*mud and stars...

Collection of thoughts for the day:

1) OMG people actually read my blog?! I thought 8 visitors on my first day was a fair amount considering I didn't have an awful lot to say, but I was very shocked with the 22 I've had today, and some of these people visited twice! My main thought on that is wtf why?!! I'm pretty sure if I was browsing through, I wouldn't bother to read this blog, I'd move onto the next one... Still, none of these people have left comments, so my 'popularity' isn't known to the general public!

2) Why can I never find any clothes in my size? I have been lusting over a blue and white summery dress from New Look all week, which I planned to pay for with my weekly wages driving lesson fund. It has taken me three visits in one week to find this dress in my size; I swear this was never a problem when I was fat; the rails of New Look are always full of size 16 clothes but scantily clad with size 8 clothes. Not that I'm complaining about my weight loss, I just wish that I didn't have to ask shop staff the exact days and times at which they get their stock delivered, just so I can secure ONE SINGLE item of clothing in my size.

3) I am fat/sturdy/chunky. Yes, I am now a size 8 and have a smaller waist measurement than most of my friends, but I still swear that I am fatter than all of them put together. Yes, I eat nowadays, and yes I know I'm being ridiculous, but with everything that happened last year, I know some of it is still there, and I can't shake it away. I've had a couple of relapses this year, and I don't want that to happen again, but I'm worried that it will, because I've been feeling very unattractive this week. Think I need to get back to the gym to regain my confidence; am going back Monday, as I FINALLY renewed my membership yesterday, so hopefully I'll get myself back on track.

4) OWWWWW! I had this thought at several occasions during the day, for example my bath this morning, trying on the dress in New Look at lunch time, and every time Sam gave me a cuddle/put his arm round me this evening. Feel like my shoulders are on fire. Do not own any aftersun, and apparently we do not sell aftersun at 'nameless local supermarket', so have been frantically applying any kind of moisturizer I can find in my house, in the vain hope that this will take the pain away/I will go brown and cease to look like a boiled lobster.

5) Ffffuck, exams! This thought only occurs occasionally, and only for a split second. I sometimes catch myself and think 'Oh dear, I actually haven't done any revision yet and my exams start a week from today and I am probably going to fail', but most of the time I seem to think 'Fuck it, I can always work at 'nameless local supermarket' for the rest of my life!'

6) I really need to get to bed earlier. No wonder I feel like death warmed up every morning.

I've just had the most PAINFUL bath of my life. I'm so glad I'm out alive now. I think I might actually look even more red this morning, and I've got the most hideous tan lines; I look like (for want of a better simile stereotype) one of those 40 year old chav mums you see flaunting their lobster cleavage in Marbella. Thankfully, I have the decency to cover mine up. It's kind of cloudy this morning, so looks like I won't be furthering my chances of skin cancer today.

I'm sat here revising drinking summer fruits squash (which I think I am developing an addiction to, mainly because I can't resist anything which is only 15kcal per serving, therefore meaning that I can have about EIGHT glasses at the same calorific value of ONE can of (FAT) Coke)and worrying about approaching exams listening to Take That and Party, two things which alone make me incredibly happy, but together, make me ecstatic!

Am skiving General studies this morning, the most pointless lesson in the world, in which we have to take A level equivalent exams next week, even though most universities don't care if you have it or not, as they don't count it as a real A level. We only have a lesson in it once a fortnight on a Friday, and I don't think I've really learnt anything from it (other than how to argue with Mr. Browne about the amount of paper he wastes in General studies lessons and how we could save the rainforest by discussing our answers to the single question he has asked us, rather than writing a one word answer on a piece of paper, then later throwing it in the bin (non-recycling), because let's face it, how is that one word answer going to help us revise for an A level exam?) I have also argued the point that I would rather have no grade than a fail grade on my exam certificate, so wouldn't whichever university I apply to be more impressed if I have three good A levels and no general studies, than a U in general studies on my exam certificate? But Mr. Browne seems to disagree with me, as he does on most things.

Though I don't think he has ever given me a reason why, which must therefore mean that I am right.