I KNOW that I have made my relationship seem perfect, but this is probably because I am an incredibly insecure person, and I hate to write about any arguments I have with Sam, in the fear that they will become REAL and be somehow AFFIRMED. This evening however I am soooo bloody pissed off with him that I feel the need to VENT.

I know that we haven't been going out a long time (although the five months since Christmas we HAVE been going out is actually now my longest relationship) but I KNOW that I love him, and I KNOW that he loves me too. But I also know that in the end, this relationship will come to some kind of junction; the concept of 'commitment' will have to kick in somewhere along the line. We have already planned to go on holiday together, in October, which to me, seems like a commitment. And we have talked about renting a flat together when I leave school, mainly because we both want to move out of our homes and live independently, and we can see no reason why we shouldn't do that together.

BUT... Sam has always maintained that he doesn't ever want to get married or have children, and simultaneously, these are the ONLY two things I want in the WHOLE WORLD, the only two the things in the WHOLE WORLD I would rather die than live my whole life without. I don't think he knows this though, and I'm not about to tell him, in case I scare the hell out of him and he makes a run for it. I just have to pretend that it doesn't hurt me when he says things like that. I KNOW I am only young, but I am a very serious kind of person. Yes, I like to live for the moment, but I am also very insecure, and I feel I need constant reassurance that somebody I am with actually WANTS to be with me.

This evening, Sam brought up something that I had told him a while ago. I had mentioned that there was a time last year when I had thought I was pregnant with user-ex-BF, because my period was late, and I had been absolutely terrified. He asked me what I would have done if I had been pregnant; Would I have kept it? I said that I would have, because I couldn't bare the thought of killing a child, and that even though it would hold me back, prevent me from going to uni, etc., I would rather KEEP it than MURDER it. I'm not against abortion, don't get me wrong - it's the woman's CHOICE, but I would NEVER have one myself. I don't know if I put this point across a reverently as I intended to, but I argued my case, I know I did.

But he just didn't see where I was coming from at all. He said that if he got me pregnant, he would be really 'pissed off' and wouldn't be able to 'pretend that he wanted the child'. He said that he knew that this sounded selfish, but that's just how he felt. I agreed with him that this sounded selfish, and then he got all offended, and slid into a really bad mood, acting all weird and cold on me. He barely spoke to me, and seemed to completely shut off his feelings. When I asked him what was the matter, he just said that nothing was wrong, but I didn't believe him AT ALL. I KNOW when he isn't telling the truth. Usually he caves in, but he didn't tonight.

I cried on the bus on the way back from his house. I hadn't managed to get through to him, and I know we will probably not talk about this again. He will just pretend that we never has this conversation. He's not comfortable with emotional conversations, but I'm an emotional person. Maybe I am being pathetic.I just wish we could be more open about things.

I wish I could explain to him how I feel, but I can't.

I'm aware that I'm talking a lot of crap and probably not making any sense, but I don't care. I am getting increasingly drunk with every trip to the fridge to top up my wine glass, and can hear scraps of some kind of argument my parents are having about Britain's Got Talent. I think I will get another glass of wine and go and join them. I prefer to be numb, and I prefer to be shallow. Life hurts less if you are.x